We need the illusion that we matter to someone

It’s impressive how writing a blog and feeling responsible for your readers – no matter how little you know them – can make our brains stick to promises we’d normally break without a second thought. Kev Quirk wrote about this recently, discussing his weight and his desire to lose weight.

I found last time that writing about it really helped to motivate me, not to mention hold me to account. It’s easy to eat that chocolate bar if no-one knows I’m going to gain an extra half kilo, but if I’m writing about it publicly, I’m less likely to do so. I dunno, my brain is weird. Anyway, expect monthly updates, just like before.

They are brain flaws, Manuel wrote a few days later.

Anyway, to get back on track, the issue I wanted to discuss is related to disappointment. Specifically, my issue with the concept of disappointing others. […] but in the context of this discussion, the thing that matters is that as long as I’m blogging and I’m sharing my experience, the irrational pressure of disappointing someone keeps me on track. At a rational level, I know that no one gives a fuck if I fail at these silly experiments, and yet, for some reason, that extra pressure is what keeps me in check.

Perhaps the public exposure and the desire not to disappoint those who have set aside a few minutes of their day to read our posts makes us irrationally more motivated. It makes us feel, in a way, “watched” when we stray from the path. Keeping the blog updated on this, therefore, becomes a tool we can use to our advantage. You who read—we who read—even though you’ll view our failure with utter indifference: you’ll turn your presence into a spur.

We need the illusion that we matter to someone in order to stay true to our own transformation.

Back in 2008, I weighed 132 kg (~291 lbs). Too much.

One spring day, a dear cousin of mine stopped by my house, invited me over for coffee, and – somewhat unexpectedly and without my realizing it – took me to see a nutritionist. Surprised, offended, but perhaps also happy to have mentally taken the first step on a new journey, I had an appointment and she put together a diet plan for me. She gave me advice, guidelines, and goals. Within ten months, I lost 40 kg (~88 lbs). Through healthy eating, exercise, and motivation, I managed to reach a goal that had seemed completely unrealistic to me less than a year earlier. I was absolutely thrilled.

When I reached 92 kg (~203 lbs), the nutritionist told me she had nothing more to say, that I could continue on my own, that I had adopted a new lifestyle, and that I no longer needed to come to her office. There was no need. I had reached my goal. She had given me the all-clear.

A few months later, my weight settled in at around 96 kg (~212 lbs), and it stayed that way for a long time.

Over the past couple of years, due to high work-related stress caused by my circumstances rather than my job itself, I’ve gained nearly 10 kg (~22 lbs). That’s still too much. And I can’t seem to lose it.

This post is a promise: I want to give it another try in public, just like Kev. I’ll try to be more active and post regular updates here, so that my fear of letting you down will help me reach my goal.

If I win, we all win. If I lose, I’m the only one who loses.

God damn it, we’re such a mess.